How To Coach Basketball... When You Have No Idea How To Play Basketball

I consider myself to be “athletic”. Please do not confuse this with “good at sports”. They are not synonymous. I am fairly strong, very flexible, reasonably agile and tall. For these reasons, people always assume that I must be good at sports, and in particular, basketball. I am not. In fact, I am absolutely terrible at each and every sport involving balls. But this post is about basketball.

A few weeks ago, an email went out at work, looking for a coach for the Grade 8 Boys Basketball Team. My colleagues are all amazing people who go above and beyond for the students. They volunteer their time for countless teams, events, excursions and clubs. But it being a busy time of year, and the basketball connoisseurs being already committed to the other three teams, there was a vacancy that needed to be filled. I’m sure you can guess where this is going.

I mean the poor kids. No team? No, we can’t have that, can we. So yes, I put my name out there. With a disclaimer of course. I warned them all – I don’t know the sport, but I will do what I can. That seemed to be good enough. All those amazing colleagues offered to help me out. Coach the coach if you will. Show me the ropes. Teach me the lingo.

Before the first practice, I conferred with a colleague: Should I tell them I don’t know squat? Be honest and offer to learn alongside them? A resounding no. Don’t show weakness he said. The boys need to think you know what you’re talking about. Give these boys an inch and they will take a mile he warned.

Gulp. Uh huh. Ok, well, see, the thing is...I DON’T know what I’m talking about. Or doing. No problem, he assured me. Just stay one step ahead of them. That’s all you need. I see. How hard can that be?

And so began my adventure of coaching Grade 8 Boys Basketball. All I can say is thank the high heavens that my thoughts weren’t thought out loud. I’ll share them with you, but whatever you do, don’t tell the boys.

Step 1: Lay Down the Law

I started off the first practice with a hard line. Attendance was mandatory. No excuses (aside from illness, note from Mom etc). Physical conditioning was essential and I planned to work them. We were going to try our hardest. In it to win it, yada yada.

Player 1 commented: Wow, you’re competitive.

Crap. Had I gone too far? Been too hard? Too scary? Then they all started exchanging looks and broke out into smiles. They loved it. I was in. Hard was good, now I just had to get them playing basketball.

Step 2: Trick the Players Into Teaching You How to Play.

Here’s a sample:

Me: Soooo, I know you guys already know what a lay-up is (eye-roll for emphasis), but humour me. Who can explain to everyone else what it is – exactly.

Player 1: You dribble up to the net, jump off one foot and shoot it in.

Me: Uh huh. Does anyone else have anything to add?

Player 2: You can only take 3 steps.

Player 1: No, 2 steps.

My thoughts: Oh crap, which one is it? Out loud: Hmmm, who agrees with Player 1, show of hands? Nodding haughtily, I continued on: And show of hands for who agrees with Player 2?

Thank goodness they voted a majority for one of them, because had the vote been split, I would have been screwed. I then asked who wanted to give a demonstration.

Step 3: Hold the Ball Professionally

At all times, hold a basketball under the crook of your arm, hand dangling, in a very professional-looking way. It would also be beneficial to occasionally be seen walking down the hall in such a manner. To complete the coach look, you should also adorn yourself with a whistle. And maybe a clipboard.

Step 4: Use Fancy Basketball Language

I would sprinkle my conversations with key terminology, making me sound much more in the know than I actually was. For example: “Get the rebound in the key.” Or “For our defense, we will play man-to-man and use the trap as often as we can.”

I advise making a list and referring to it often.

Step 5: Research

Player: Coach, can we do the Three-Man Weave Drill?

My thoughts (what the heck is that?!?) Out loud: “Well, let me see...” (I scan my clipboard which is full of doodles, numbers and other useless information. I flip the page for emphasis, as though checking it all over) “Hmm, nope, not on my list for this week. Maybe next time.”

...Immediately after practice, I hunted down a colleague and asked him as nonchalantly as possible “So...what’s the Three Man Weave Drill again?” He explained in great detail, using diagrams, and finally dragging me down to the gym to walk me through it. He also showed me the Three Man Non-Weave Drill. Next practice, we started off with the Three Man Weave Drill, moving on to the Non-Weave. I rocked it, and so did they. (Insert proud moment here)

Step 6: Avoid Playing/Demonstrating at all Costs

It takes all of my willpower not to flinch or duck every time a ball comes my way. I have to battle this natural instinct constantly whilst in the gym. I have actually managed to catch it a few times. After which, I typically dribble it a few times while my eyes rove around (essentially proving that I don’t need to look at it while dribbling) and then return it to nestle in the crook of my arm.

Step 7: Align Yourself with Basketball Connoisseurs

I was so fortunate to have one of my colleagues attend the tournament with me. He sat on the bench beside me and mentored me. He would say “You should call time-out.” At which point I would leap off the bench and screech “time-out”, gesturing wildly, making a “T” with my hands. Then, in a panic, I would turn to my mentor and with wide eyes, whisper “Why did I call time-out?” He would briefly outline the necessary reasons before the boys gathered round. Once we were all huddled up, I would congratulate them on their efforts and spew out the things that my mentor told me in a nonsensical manner. I would then turn to him and query “Mr. __, do you have anything to add?” He would then proceed to make sense of my jumble and outline a plan for them. All the while, I recommend the following body language:

Arms crossed, with one hand raised to support chin with thumb and forefinger. Stroke said chin occasionally. Nod vigorously at appropriate times. Purse lips occasionally.

When the person speaking has finished enriching the players’ basketball lives, clap authoritatively and proclaim “You heard the man, now get to it!” or some such motivational drivel.

When in close proximity of a basketball expert, I also recommend implementing the “echo” technique, whereby you repeat the shouted encouragements that they confidently throw out to the players. When perfecting this technique, it is hoped that eventually, your voice will blend with the expert’s, thus lending authority to your own.

Step 8: It all Comes Down to the Athletes

It helps, enormously, that my players were all natural athletes and extremely talented. They played the game well, and I believe they worked as hard as they could. At the tournament, those boys played their hardest and won their first three games of the round robin. They lost the fourth one, to a team that would later go on to play in the championship final. This had them finishing second in their division of the round robin and put them into the quarter final where they faced off against the third place team in the other division. The boys lost this game, but not for lack of effort. They played hard and they played well, but the other team played better.

I can honestly say that overall my basketball experience was a thoroughly positive one. Yes, I lost a LOT of sleep. And I spent a lot of time researching, in the gym and planning. But I got to know a really great group of young men. And my life is all the richer for it.